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Squee!

And in front of me, i have books! but not just any books...noooo i have pretty books that i'll be reading that aren't associated with the paramedic course! I'll have a full year almost to refresh the knowledge from those tomes. Paramedic Brat: Not yet

Blasphemy by Douglas Preston (as I still can't find the fucking agent pendergast book)
heir to sevenwaters by juliet marillier
a lion among men by gregory maguire (the third part of the wicked years)
swallowing darkness by laurell k hamilton ...maybe a nice mix of plot and porn? anyone know what the newest anita blake one is?
bezenghast manga #5. i need to get 4 however
i, robot by isaac asimov
and robot visions by isaac asimov

not to mention I have a couple games to put onto my computer.
i splurged a 20 and got the mystery case files: millionHeir for my DS.

i got the movies: 7 pounds and Doubt.
i also got two belly dancing coin belts, a cd and a starter dvd. figured this would be good if mum is starting with me.

i also got to pick up a bunch of tanks and sleepy pants. the trip was good. I got to see Cassie and Riley. NOMNOMNOM coz they're soooo cute! and I got to visit with jen and jason, which is always a pleasure.

you know, for it being my last day of classes, i'm feeling not so bad. but i don't think it'll really hit me as of yet. i know it's the best choice for me and people applaud me for making a choice that's somewhat difficult.

Next week, i'll start with applications and resumes and see how that goes. I'd like to find a part time job. That way i can keep working on the yard or doing whatever i need to around here. and if they need extra shifts pulled, i'll have the flexability to do that.

Almost there...

I've been so crazy busy for the past well, month and a bit. From being in winnipeg and once again not being able to visit as many people as I wanted, to Being in class and trying not to panic or forget things!

I'm slowly writing the events to post here, at The Paramedic Brat, Livejournal/InsaneJournal and Facebook. I wouldn't be able to fit everything on twitter! Just too much to fit in 160 words!

I've gotten a little divine poke from a couple places: a couple dreams (one had fire embers and menses blood) and then from Jaz who mentioned 19 Candles Bridget's Fire Keepers, which was something I used to take part in previously. I was excited to see it rise from the ashes so to speak and emailed Sue straight away.

My mind is being slowly filled with ideas and other wonderful things. I'm looking forward to that.

I'm working on a little research paper - sadly overdue for class, at the moment. So once that's finished, along with a bit of laundry, I promise to update more.

But I am still alive, just surrounded by books and papers and stuff!

Life, as I know it.

There has been much going on in my life since my last post here.

I'm in some sort of state of something. I don't even know what anymore. My moods flip faster than one can change the godsdamned channels. I had a meltdown. I wanted to just, curl up and stay in bed. Actually, I had more than one meltdown.

I've lost two friends. They didn't die or pass on, they've cut me out of their lives with no reason as to why. They won't speak to me so I can't even find out why. It hurts fiercely as these were two people I loved. I ended up crying because they just decided that I was no longer needed in their lives, no reason given.

Apparently mutual friends know why, but won't say. They give me the reasons of "it was a private conversation" and "that I should ask them." And I would and have, but as they aren't talking to me, that makes it a bit hard to do.
There's another person who apparently got requested with a gag order of sorts, to not talk to me about certain things. That hurt. Don't know, can't ask coz I won't get told.

One, I was creating a healing poppet for and now I don't know if I should send it. She might send it back and it's something that I can't keep. It's not made for me.

The more I find out second hand, the more I wonder why they kept me around. I also feel like I'm some fucking donkey in front of a cart. I don't know where I'm going - could be off a cliff for all I know. It's like I'm just not smart enough to get the full picture. It's like people who know both T and A and who have knowledge of what happened don't tell me, they give little tiny things as if to tease me and it drives me nuts. I fucking hate it. All I want to know is why? Why was I dropped so easily without a word as to why?
T said that it must be easy for me to do, to say good-bye. But if it was easy, it probably wasn't good. I had to respond to it, and actually commented in her journal. I don't agree with that. I still care and love her.

I'm waiting for the rest of the people who know both A and T and myself to just drop me as well. I was talking to two different Mods for an RP that i'm in, and I got two different responses in regards to staying.
The first said to give her two weeks to see if people will calm down and back off. If not, then I'm to set into motion my plan to take my two characters out of the RP.
The second stated that it would be the one who breaks the RP rules, which isn't me.
It looks like everyone has to redo their characters now. Start from scratch and all that stuff. It's ruffled lots of feathers and I can understand that.

Mum bought an cardio elliptical machine. Her and my aunt went to Crappy Tire and Wally World. ...I wasn't happy as I needed to go to wal-mart to get things for the things I'm making for Con this year. Instead, I got to go over to my aunt's, get worked up allergies, freeze and then come home to find that the machine apparently has a weight limit.
So I have to lose weight in order to lose weight with the machine. ...that didn't do good for my esteem. That caused me to have another meltdown.

I should be doing homework. Virtual Patient Encounters. Maybe I should go pump someone full of something and let them die.

Is it too much to ask, too much to know why? Maybe I should just go with what my mind gives me: I'm a depressed bastard and people can't deal with my emotional ways. So instead of talking to me like a fucking grown up, they just dump me. Friends like that, I don't need enemies.

So... this January month, I want to redo. Can I do that? Seriously. Just waiting for the other shoe to fall people, just waiting...
So yes, I'm depressed and I feel like shit and I'm a crying mess of me and seriously, if you can't or don't want to deal - you know where the door is. Might as well kick me while I'm down coz I'm sure I won't be getting back up next time I go down.


We recently had no water in the house as it was turned off while the tub was being repaired. The tub and it's fixtures are original from when the house was built in 1911. My uncle had to basically modify things to make it all work. It took him 4 hours of sanding down screws to put it back together.

I'm still on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal and JournalFen, but I also have an Inksome account. I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet, but I'm glad I got one. They're hard to get a hold of as you need to pay to get an activation code and extra codes you can give out. People don't give out the extra codes often. There is Twitter and Facebook as well and must not forget DeviantArt.

I did one of those 25 things about me Meme things. I don't tag anyone as many people have been repeatedly tagged.
1. I thought I liked these things, but I think I'm starting to hate them.
2. you don't wanna get on my bad side. ever.
3. my furbabies give me sassback.
4. i write slash
5. my desk is a mess...always.
6. i call my desk and computer station the "command center"
7. i have yet to get through all seasons of sg1. and i want to watch sg:a after that...and bsg. i know. bad me.
8. torrents! they hate me! with an intense passion.
9. i have not been to y-con once yet.
10. i can't plan trips. seriously, ever trip i planned fell through in some way.
11. i'm almost habitually late. and i will even plan ahead to be early. my time gets stolen... i blame socks.
12. i hate socks and undies, but i have copious amounts of them. and i wear them. cept in summer...no socks.
13. i love journals. all kinds. i have a shelf of them that haven't even been opened yet or written in. i have electronic journals like a freak! A FREAK I TELL YOU!
14. i name all my toys. computer, car, ipod, ps2... you name it, i've probably named it.
15. i'm the new soap opera villain! beware!
16. i'm a pogo player. i'm usually on there daily.
17. i'm extremely bitter.
18. i was engaged once.
19. that engagment showed me my true self and that i'm not one for marriage.
20. despite everything, i still love them.
21. i wish my car was a transformer.
22. i break chain letters.
23. i have two my little ponies and an Alien figure on my monitor.
24. i think its safe to say that i've lost my faith in humanity.
25. i don't want children, now or ever. but! i am honored to be the Anti-Cyd. ^_~

Also: For those people who like pretty shiney things you so need to check this out:

Jewelry by Azhure

I've started on the Windows again:
one is where you pick the good things, the other the ...hm, how to put it, the "things that could be improved upon" list.
Nohari
Johari

Let's see, what else...
i'll be asking my doctor about this... depression. maybe he can up my dosage or find me new meds. i feel these ones are failing.

i've never felt so crappy.... well, that's a lie. but while i've been back home, i for the most part have felt happy and good about myself (for the most part). so, i haven't felt this crappy while i've been here would be the proper statement.

i take my meds daily, almost. i do miss a day once in a while, but nothing that would have this sort of effect on me. i'm taking my vitamins and eating better.

i know that i should call someone up and go out more, but studying has made that almost impossible.
i know part of the depression is because i don't fully understand this semester's work load and i feel stupid for asking. i feel like i should know this. and i know, i can hear it already - if you don't understand then ask.

*sighs* I should be sleeping, but I'm not. I'm wide awake. I think this will be all of the update.

PSA - Farking Computer

So, i'm currently having issues with my beloved Hyperion.

Apparently when i went to class today, the MSN i leave on, but away started spamming people like mad. If you're one of those people, I am truly sorry.
If you're not...well, I'm saying sorry for the future in case it does happen.

Basically you get some shit about a photo that i have or found of you on the web and you have to click the link. well, i'm not stupid - i know NOT to click the links. However, I have no idea why it's doing that.

I am doing various virus, malware, spyware, ad-ware and greyware checks. However, I'm not too sure if this will actually do anything or not.
Since this morning, Hyperion has been a little on the buggy side. I'll go to open a program and it hangs there. sometimes up to at least 5 good minutes before i get frustrated and flip it off and TURN OFF the power, which then it decides that it doesn't want to be off and just restarts.

i'm really hoping i don't have to get to the point where i have to do a system restore. i can't remember what the last date of a system restore was done! *meep*

Also, my Windows Updates won't turn back on, no matter what i do or from what area i try to reactivate it from.

so, if you get a message from hecatesbrat@hotmail.com with a link, and it's gibberish and you know it's not me, DON'T CLICK IT. okay? just don't.

any if anyone has any suggestions as to what i can do before i turn to the system restore, please let me know.

a day like any other...sorta

and all that sort of stuff...

over the past couple days, i've been having issues. okay, it's been more ongoing than a couple days. however with the random texting and random babbling i do with Tseng, i've sorta figured stuff out.

i had a little meltdown in my mum's office. i was commenting on how i wasn't a "patient" in class since befroe we left for winnipeg. and my conclusion on that is because i'm needing more hands on training or that cam just thinks i'm too damned fat. because everyone is going to be as skinny and light as tara! i love tara, she's awesome, but she isn't the reality of the type of patients we're going to have to deal with.
if anything cam and myself are the type of patients we're going to have to lift. but hey, why teach students the reality of it, right?

and that thought process swung back around to weight. i don't like the way i look in my uniform anymore... well, to say anymore would mean that i did like it once. i don't. never have. i look too much like a boy and lately, i've been having lots of girly days. so that bugs me.

now, i'm big, but i've gained weight and it really bothers me on so many different levels and for different reasons. i guess in actuality, the one main reason it all comes back too is esteem.

now, those of you who know me and most of you know me fairly well, know that i've got low self-esteem. very low at times and you might possibly wonder why the hell can't i get out of this slump of being so hard on myself. yeah, well, i wonder that too... but, sadly, my days of good esteem are few and far between.
and even on those days, it might be something small like "i like the way my eyes look" or "i like the way the top looks on me" they aren't big things like "i think i'm pretty."

one day again, i hope i get to that point. i was there before, i just need to get back up there. but! right now, it's because i look in the mirror - when i have too and see that....well, i don't see something pretty. i see someone fat and ugly with bad hair. it's seriously bad hair. i either need to grow it out or cut it short....but i haven't made that choice so it stays under a beanie.

uniform doesn't fit nice, i feel fat, and look fat and that just lends itself to a whole bunch of thoughts that are so self-damaging it's ugly.
part of me disregards it as it's something i've heard and told myself on a daily basis. so it's got that rooted in my mind so very deeply and i'm feeling at times that i don't know if anything i do will make a change.

Tseng says that she'll help battle my esteem issues and that makes me smile. i hope that i'll be able to see myself as pretty and actually believe it. and know it deep down.

so, i've renewed my gym membership and will be going after class. again, i need to start slow for most things, which is okay.
but i want to be slimmer and feel prettier by my next trip to winnipeg. i don't know if i can set an amount of how much i want to lose, as i can see myself being hung up on the numbers and not progress i might have made.

this ain't easy, but i'm still trying. i guess time will tell and hopefully show the difference.

Movies

Watched Indiana Jones and ...something something crystal skull.

*inhales and exhales* yeaaaah, the time that i spent watching that, can i have that back now? seriously. if i wanted bad technacolor crap now, i'd watch Gone with the Wind, for, if anything the fact that was true technacolor.

There were parts of this movie that hurt so much. Like, holy shit hair shine crazy non-kgb-kgb woman. i'm pretty sure the sun, or any other type of light was NOT coming from that angle. and how about, oh hmm the lead lined fridge? YOU CAN'T FLY THAT FAR IN ONE AND LIVE!!!

I'm sorry, i'm sorta done with the caps now. I wasn't sitting with any cat toys near me, so i couldn't throw them at the screen. i did yell out the "NO!" that Fayth and I started to do back in the peg.

i was hoping for a movie that might have cheered me up and while i have a strong little list of three: transformers (new, even though any of the transformers will do), happy feet (seriously! penguins! dancing!! eeeeelove!) and i've now added Iron Man to the list...coz well, damn, they did a fine ass job of it.
I didn't get a movie that cheered me up. i got one that i think, confused the living fuck outta me. a lot.

i really don't want to get into it, because i'm sure everyone has heard me go on about 2012 and blah, blah, blah, yadda yadda fishie-cakes.

um, i did however get a couple more rows of knitting done. i think i might be unravelling it to redo it in some sort of pattern that makes sense instead of random knit and perl stitches.

and, just for the record - I hate anatomy and physiology. so freaking much. so much hate.