a day like any other...sorta

and all that sort of stuff...

over the past couple days, i've been having issues. okay, it's been more ongoing than a couple days. however with the random texting and random babbling i do with Tseng, i've sorta figured stuff out.

i had a little meltdown in my mum's office. i was commenting on how i wasn't a "patient" in class since befroe we left for winnipeg. and my conclusion on that is because i'm needing more hands on training or that cam just thinks i'm too damned fat. because everyone is going to be as skinny and light as tara! i love tara, she's awesome, but she isn't the reality of the type of patients we're going to have to deal with.
if anything cam and myself are the type of patients we're going to have to lift. but hey, why teach students the reality of it, right?

and that thought process swung back around to weight. i don't like the way i look in my uniform anymore... well, to say anymore would mean that i did like it once. i don't. never have. i look too much like a boy and lately, i've been having lots of girly days. so that bugs me.

now, i'm big, but i've gained weight and it really bothers me on so many different levels and for different reasons. i guess in actuality, the one main reason it all comes back too is esteem.

now, those of you who know me and most of you know me fairly well, know that i've got low self-esteem. very low at times and you might possibly wonder why the hell can't i get out of this slump of being so hard on myself. yeah, well, i wonder that too... but, sadly, my days of good esteem are few and far between.
and even on those days, it might be something small like "i like the way my eyes look" or "i like the way the top looks on me" they aren't big things like "i think i'm pretty."

one day again, i hope i get to that point. i was there before, i just need to get back up there. but! right now, it's because i look in the mirror - when i have too and see that....well, i don't see something pretty. i see someone fat and ugly with bad hair. it's seriously bad hair. i either need to grow it out or cut it short....but i haven't made that choice so it stays under a beanie.

uniform doesn't fit nice, i feel fat, and look fat and that just lends itself to a whole bunch of thoughts that are so self-damaging it's ugly.
part of me disregards it as it's something i've heard and told myself on a daily basis. so it's got that rooted in my mind so very deeply and i'm feeling at times that i don't know if anything i do will make a change.

Tseng says that she'll help battle my esteem issues and that makes me smile. i hope that i'll be able to see myself as pretty and actually believe it. and know it deep down.

so, i've renewed my gym membership and will be going after class. again, i need to start slow for most things, which is okay.
but i want to be slimmer and feel prettier by my next trip to winnipeg. i don't know if i can set an amount of how much i want to lose, as i can see myself being hung up on the numbers and not progress i might have made.

this ain't easy, but i'm still trying. i guess time will tell and hopefully show the difference.