Life, as I know it.

There has been much going on in my life since my last post here.

I'm in some sort of state of something. I don't even know what anymore. My moods flip faster than one can change the godsdamned channels. I had a meltdown. I wanted to just, curl up and stay in bed. Actually, I had more than one meltdown.

I've lost two friends. They didn't die or pass on, they've cut me out of their lives with no reason as to why. They won't speak to me so I can't even find out why. It hurts fiercely as these were two people I loved. I ended up crying because they just decided that I was no longer needed in their lives, no reason given.

Apparently mutual friends know why, but won't say. They give me the reasons of "it was a private conversation" and "that I should ask them." And I would and have, but as they aren't talking to me, that makes it a bit hard to do.
There's another person who apparently got requested with a gag order of sorts, to not talk to me about certain things. That hurt. Don't know, can't ask coz I won't get told.

One, I was creating a healing poppet for and now I don't know if I should send it. She might send it back and it's something that I can't keep. It's not made for me.

The more I find out second hand, the more I wonder why they kept me around. I also feel like I'm some fucking donkey in front of a cart. I don't know where I'm going - could be off a cliff for all I know. It's like I'm just not smart enough to get the full picture. It's like people who know both T and A and who have knowledge of what happened don't tell me, they give little tiny things as if to tease me and it drives me nuts. I fucking hate it. All I want to know is why? Why was I dropped so easily without a word as to why?
T said that it must be easy for me to do, to say good-bye. But if it was easy, it probably wasn't good. I had to respond to it, and actually commented in her journal. I don't agree with that. I still care and love her.

I'm waiting for the rest of the people who know both A and T and myself to just drop me as well. I was talking to two different Mods for an RP that i'm in, and I got two different responses in regards to staying.
The first said to give her two weeks to see if people will calm down and back off. If not, then I'm to set into motion my plan to take my two characters out of the RP.
The second stated that it would be the one who breaks the RP rules, which isn't me.
It looks like everyone has to redo their characters now. Start from scratch and all that stuff. It's ruffled lots of feathers and I can understand that.

Mum bought an cardio elliptical machine. Her and my aunt went to Crappy Tire and Wally World. ...I wasn't happy as I needed to go to wal-mart to get things for the things I'm making for Con this year. Instead, I got to go over to my aunt's, get worked up allergies, freeze and then come home to find that the machine apparently has a weight limit.
So I have to lose weight in order to lose weight with the machine. ...that didn't do good for my esteem. That caused me to have another meltdown.

I should be doing homework. Virtual Patient Encounters. Maybe I should go pump someone full of something and let them die.

Is it too much to ask, too much to know why? Maybe I should just go with what my mind gives me: I'm a depressed bastard and people can't deal with my emotional ways. So instead of talking to me like a fucking grown up, they just dump me. Friends like that, I don't need enemies.

So... this January month, I want to redo. Can I do that? Seriously. Just waiting for the other shoe to fall people, just waiting...
So yes, I'm depressed and I feel like shit and I'm a crying mess of me and seriously, if you can't or don't want to deal - you know where the door is. Might as well kick me while I'm down coz I'm sure I won't be getting back up next time I go down.


We recently had no water in the house as it was turned off while the tub was being repaired. The tub and it's fixtures are original from when the house was built in 1911. My uncle had to basically modify things to make it all work. It took him 4 hours of sanding down screws to put it back together.

I'm still on LiveJournal and InsaneJournal and JournalFen, but I also have an Inksome account. I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet, but I'm glad I got one. They're hard to get a hold of as you need to pay to get an activation code and extra codes you can give out. People don't give out the extra codes often. There is Twitter and Facebook as well and must not forget DeviantArt.

I did one of those 25 things about me Meme things. I don't tag anyone as many people have been repeatedly tagged.
1. I thought I liked these things, but I think I'm starting to hate them.
2. you don't wanna get on my bad side. ever.
3. my furbabies give me sassback.
4. i write slash
5. my desk is a mess...always.
6. i call my desk and computer station the "command center"
7. i have yet to get through all seasons of sg1. and i want to watch sg:a after that...and bsg. i know. bad me.
8. torrents! they hate me! with an intense passion.
9. i have not been to y-con once yet.
10. i can't plan trips. seriously, ever trip i planned fell through in some way.
11. i'm almost habitually late. and i will even plan ahead to be early. my time gets stolen... i blame socks.
12. i hate socks and undies, but i have copious amounts of them. and i wear them. cept in summer...no socks.
13. i love journals. all kinds. i have a shelf of them that haven't even been opened yet or written in. i have electronic journals like a freak! A FREAK I TELL YOU!
14. i name all my toys. computer, car, ipod, ps2... you name it, i've probably named it.
15. i'm the new soap opera villain! beware!
16. i'm a pogo player. i'm usually on there daily.
17. i'm extremely bitter.
18. i was engaged once.
19. that engagment showed me my true self and that i'm not one for marriage.
20. despite everything, i still love them.
21. i wish my car was a transformer.
22. i break chain letters.
23. i have two my little ponies and an Alien figure on my monitor.
24. i think its safe to say that i've lost my faith in humanity.
25. i don't want children, now or ever. but! i am honored to be the Anti-Cyd. ^_~

Also: For those people who like pretty shiney things you so need to check this out:

Jewelry by Azhure

I've started on the Windows again:
one is where you pick the good things, the other the ...hm, how to put it, the "things that could be improved upon" list.
Nohari
Johari

Let's see, what else...
i'll be asking my doctor about this... depression. maybe he can up my dosage or find me new meds. i feel these ones are failing.

i've never felt so crappy.... well, that's a lie. but while i've been back home, i for the most part have felt happy and good about myself (for the most part). so, i haven't felt this crappy while i've been here would be the proper statement.

i take my meds daily, almost. i do miss a day once in a while, but nothing that would have this sort of effect on me. i'm taking my vitamins and eating better.

i know that i should call someone up and go out more, but studying has made that almost impossible.
i know part of the depression is because i don't fully understand this semester's work load and i feel stupid for asking. i feel like i should know this. and i know, i can hear it already - if you don't understand then ask.

*sighs* I should be sleeping, but I'm not. I'm wide awake. I think this will be all of the update.

Life, as I know it.

Things have been more than crazy with my paramedic training.

It's intensive and all consuming. I've had to stop myself and step away from the computer after 12 hours of doing Anatomy and Physiology homework. I wake, and go through streaming classes from 9am to lunch. After that, it depends on what we have. Normally it's been Independent Study, which i've geekily named iStudy or it's been Labs.

iStudy is usually more A&P. A room of 6 women doing A&P homework. It's impressive and intimidating. We'll help each other out and be utterly silent for hours, which i'm sure is eerie to the Paramedics who aren't used to us being that quiet and come in for their lunch or a cup of coffee.

Lab, however is noisy and hands on. We have to wear our spiffy uniforms, fully loaded with gear.
This Saturday, is my first ambulance observance. If my assigned Paramedic asks me, I can take vitals. This scares the living fuck outta me. (that would be a quarter for the swear jar)

Today, i had the thought of "Is it really worth it?" Of course i quickly chastized myself as being stupid for thinking such a thought. But yah know, you're your own worst enemy. I had to stop and ask my mum if this thought was normal.

On another note - yay for unrelated tangents? I was logging into my deviantArt account to take a peek at the works and i came across something that...sorta...i'm not sure. It was like it was an attempt to be something, but it came off as dirty. Here: Abbey - Not Safe for Work ...you might not be able to see it unless you have a deviantArt account. Essentially, its a picture of a ...I'm assuming she's 18+ woman (seriously she looks 16ish) who is in underwear, a tank that has a deep V, and she's holding her shirt open to reveal her breasts, nipples exposed a bit. The background looks like a hotel room in disarray.

I asked the question of "how do you, as the photographer see this as artistic?" i asked another question, but i can't remember it. I got a response from someone other than the photographer, basically saying that i shouldn't be trolling people and bugging them about what they shoot for art.
now...i don't have an issue with artistic nudes, as ...this piece is labeled under the dA format, i watch photographers who make a living out of it. however, the fact that she looks so young and that it's on the FRONT page sorta concerned me.

To the person who responded, i responded back with:
i'm not trolling. it's a legit question. i want to know their thoughts on it. what is it that strikes them as being artistic and not some myspace home porn shot? where does this person draw that line?

if i was trolling, it'd be more like "lulz, boobies." and stating that they should never do photography again. i never said the work was illegitimate, that's your word and don't put it in my mouth.

it's a question that many artists/photographers have to face, especially if they're in the nude field. where is that line for them? i'm asking because i don't know them or their thoughts and i WANT to know. is there a problem in wanting to know this? no. if anything, it might lead to an interesting conversation.

the response i got was from the photographer themselves:
It's artistic because I came up with the idea of the shoot, we did it, and it turned out how I wanted it to. It's like a painting that someone in visions, then does. Art can be of anything whether it appeals to you or not. I put a mature rating on it so people would know not to look at it if they aren't in to nudes.

my response to them:
fair enough. i just wanted to know your thoughts on it.

i was in no way trolling, i hope you do understand that.
it caught my attention for many different reasons, and i do watch photographers who do artisitc nude work. and yes, i ask this of them too - and they might have been doing it for 20+ years.

was it the impromptu look you were going for? it seems very carefree, which is actually a very hard thing to capture.

and just a note, there was no reason to hide my original comment as i wasn't being an ass about it. simple question was all it is.

art is whatever you make it to be, if the viewer doesn't like it for whatever reason, then that's their opinion.

i would, as a suggestion, put down a statement that she is over 18 as your model looks far younger than legal age for nudity shots. there might be others out there who are far less open minded.

are there any photographers that you want to aspire to become like?

I don't have to justify my commenting on a picture, especially if it's on the front page of the newest "artwork" that was just posted. I certainly wasn't trolling either. Fuck, people are so bloody touchy.
You put it on public space, expect people to like it or NOT. I know people aren't going to like my stuff, or maybe they will...meh. Personally, I don't like it...at all. It looks like a Myspace crappy home porn shot of some underage girl whose taking webcam pics of herself for...whatever purpose they might want.

Wow. it's almost 12. i'm going to bed. night all.